I realize part of my problem with writing is continuing to do so in a blog that no longer fits my life. I can't keep writing in something that doesn't match what is going on in my life. As much as I wish I never left Steamboat Springs, I did. I'm going to need to start a new blog, something that is more reflective of where I am, not where I've been. The old blog will still be out there for reference and strolls down memory lane, but this should mark the end. To all the characters and memories, it's been real. Onto the next blog: "Tales of Adventure; starring me, Chuck!"

I've finally got myself in a pattern when it comes to the gym again. It took longer than it should have for me to fall back into a routine and am now just beginning to see all that I lost. My core strength is going up, my stamina is increasing and to make sure I stick with it I have signed up for some long distance goals. In January I am going to run the PF Changs ½ marathon from downtown Phoenix to Tempe. It's all too not impressive 13 miles, but it will be the longest I have ever run for one period and I am pretty optimistic I can do it. Then in April I signed up for the warrior dash, a 3.5 mile run that has 12 obstacles (including jumping over fire and crawling under barbwire in mud). When you finish the warrior dash your reward is a beer and Viking helmet. The beer and the helmet was enough to get me to register.

To make sure I avoid injuries prior to the marathon and dash I went to a custom running shoe store to get fitted for a pair of shoes that would complement my running technique (or lack thereof). During this hour I learned that I put the majority of my weight on my left heel (56%) and that I have very high arches on my feet. When I run, my ankles bend inwards and push my legs out which results in pressure on my inside knees. I have been complaining of pain in my knees for the last year and I am really optimistic that these shoes and insoles will help alleviate that.

Granted the insoles and shoes set me back $200, there's proof in the pudding. I went to the gym today and just started running before lifting. I ran 3 miles no problem and when I finished the cool down my knees felt fine. It was such a relief to have ran that distance and not feel any pain. I even had the strength to do squats immediately after running. After the last few weeks of some fairly heavy drinking and poor eating I finally feel like things are coming together. As much as I write about the women in my life and how I feel towards them, I am making a conscious effort to just concentrate on me. There's a girl that I would like in my life and I cannot force her to be there so there's no sense in thinking about her more than I think of myself, so that's what I am doing one mile at a time. I feel better each day since I got back into the gym and since I've been pushing myself as hard as I have been I am seeing results. I'd write more but I got to put food on my table…stupid healthcare.

I'm normally very very good at reading people. My first impression is usually the one that sticks. Six months ago I put in for a transfer from one restaurant to another. It the world of restaurants it was definitely a downgrade from where I was working previously but it was a change that had to be made, so I made it. When I first got there my immediate impression was that I had made a huge mistake. I looked around and I thought that I had reset and thrown away all the restaurant experience I had up until then and was starting over. The people who I was going to work with were nice enough, but no one seemed to be someone I would really want to know. There were cliques from day one. A few of the cute girls were all hanging together, apparently friends from school that all decided they needed more money and took up serving. I didn't think too much of any of them, except that I recall they all had poufy hair.

We all broke midway through the first day for dinner and all the groups of people went their own ways. I went to dinner with a group of four, one of whom I knew, and ate pretty quickly. We still had some time to kill so we went and grabbed some frozen yogurt. Outside of the yogurt place there was a table where some of the servers were all sitting and chatting. No one really knew anybody so we all went up and said hi. I'll never forget what happened next: This very cute blonde girl (one of the aforementioned poufy-haired girls) looked up and with a very sincere and genuine smile asked me if I knew who I looked like. I've heard it before but I played along and asked who. Then all the girls chimed in, "Chad Michael Murray". I've heard this before and I gave my typical response of, "Yea I've heard that, and I really hate it." I laughed as I said it because I wasn't serious but then the blonde girl smiled and said, "At least you don't look like a Mexican Ross from 'Friends'!" and pointed to my eventual friend, Ever. I legitimately laughed very hard at this because it is actually a very apt comparison.

That was my first, albeit brief, conversation with Katie. I'll admit that I thought the girl was very cute. I had actually heard from one of my previous managers that there was a girl named Katie who I would be working with who was "Megan Fox-hot". I didn't really know how to take that but this girl was definitely very pretty, but more intriguing than anything. She had a way of smiling when she turned her head that made it feel like she was thinking about you as she walked past. I noticed that right away. As the weeks went by I slowly became friends with Katie and her friend Lauren. Lauren was a pretty easy read. She was a young, cute girl who liked to party and was not all too concerned with much else. She was fun. One night when we were closing she blatantly asked me out of the blue "Do you like Katie?" I was completely taken aback by this question but tried not to show it. "What do you mean? Like if I like her? Yea I think she is really cool." Lauren's response was that she was asking about the bartender Katie, not server Katie (the blonde one). There was a sigh of relief from me, but also disappointment. I really wanted to think that Katie had put her friend up to asking me how I felt about her. It was at this moment that I first thought seriously about my feelings for Katie and that I must be starting to fall for her.

Of course when I think I might start falling for a girl I immediately begin to second guess myself. I rationalized that a girl like Katie wouldn't be into someone like me, that she had plenty of other guys that were interested or that she was already seeing someone. It was hard to get a read on her, so I focused my attention on Lauren. I wasn't falling for Lauren in any way, but I was bored and she was cute so I figured if I couldn't have Katie then I should at least have a good time. Lauren and I flirted back and forth and one night we both got drunk and ended up in the same bed the next morning. Katie had been there with Mike, not with him, but they were both partying with us and were some of the last people standing from the night before. When I came downstairs everyone already knew that I had been upstairs with Lauren. I laughed it off and went on my merry way. This continued on for about a week or so and then abruptly ended just as soon as they had begun. During this time I felt a little ashamed, ashamed that I had these thoughts and feelings towards Katie and ran off with her friend. I eventually learned that I was correct with my initial read on Lauren as some people who knew her from her hometown would confirm. I was happy to be done with it and move on. I started seeing a girl who was nice and funny and cute, but the sense of intrigue and romance wasn't there. I hoped it would develop but it never did.

A few more weeks went by and the summer was officially in full swing. That meant that everyone who was still in school could party just about every night and I would go out with them when I could. On one such night a girl Megan had some people over to her place and we all had some beers and some laughs. Katie was there, and we had been talking and flirting with one another the whole night. We went down to the pool to do some night swimming and the group we were with kind of broke up a little and I was left alone with Katie. In that moment I threw all the preconceptions, all my concerns and all my feelings and kissed Katie. I thought I was over her, I thought I was over my feelings but in one instant, with one kiss I knew I wasn't. To my amazement and my relief she kissed me back, and there was feeling behind it. I was drunk, but in that moment I was sober and wouldn't allow alcohol to cheapen what I was feeling. What happened next was a torrent of what I had been feeling. I told Katie everything that I was thinking, everything that I had thought, all at once. It probably didn't make a lot of sense to her but to me it was a relief to get it all out there.

She told me she felt similar, but that she wasn't sure how to feel because of things that had happened with Lauren and I. She said she was annoyed that I was apparently interested in Lauren. I explained to her that this wasn't the case and since it was the truth I believe Katie thought me to be sincere. We kissed a bit more and then slowly retreated back into Megan's place and fell asleep. Well I did, I think Katie and Megan stayed up. Time passed after that night and Katie and I continued to flirt and make fun of each other at work. Cute little text exchanges, funny conversations would follow. Katie had to go home and get surgery on her knee, and I found myself missing this girl immensely. Work, a place I had come to enjoy, wasn't the same knowing I wouldn't see her there: No matter how bad my day had been, or even how good, seeing her smile and give me a cute face just made my day better. The whole month she was gone I was constantly thinking about her and texting her. We had some really great conversations about how we had similar feelings, missed one another, and wanted to see where things would go.

When she came back it was an awesome day for me. I was so excited to see her that I couldn't think of exactly what to say. I just kind of stood there and smiled dumbly. I can't imagine it was the best impression to give her after a month absence, but it was too impossible not to do exactly that because it's how she makes me feel. My normal wit and charm and cynicism just melt away. She completely disarms me and I love it.

Since she's been back we went out on a date once and I didn't want it to end. We kissed afterwards and I genuinely felt like she enjoyed it as much as I did. Since that time I've really only seen her at work, but we still talk and flirt with one another. I don't want to push things with her but I also don't want to lose an opportunity with her. I really want to see where things go with this girl and I am hopeful she still does too. I told Ever that it feels like I always have a 50/50 chance with this girl, but that's part of her charm. We will see where things go with her, one day at a time. In the end, even if nothing more happens, the way she has made me feel and the way she has restored calm to my heart will be what I take away. I wasn't sure I could feel the same way about a girl again, but she's proof that I can. She inspires me to be better than I am and work at being a better person. So if nothing else, I owe Katie a thank you, and hopefully a kiss, too.

October 17th

A little over a year ago I made a decision that impacted my whole life. I drunkenly broke up with the girl I thought I loved. After two years of a relationship that was better in theory than in practice, things were finally over. I didn’t want them to be after a few weeks of being alone and ran back to what was familiar but by then it was too late. The gravity of my decision began to sink in and for a very long time I think I was depressed. I didn’t know that I was depressed but I did act like I wasn’t; a state of denial really.

What really hurt was that the girl I used to be involved with ran right into the arms of someone she worked with. This happened within two months and whatever scar tissue had formed over my aching heart was cut anew: From there I sort of lost control of myself. On the outside I presented a calm and collected front, but on the inside I was raging. This hurricane eventually downgraded itself into a depression and from there a constant drizzle, but it was still there reminding me of what I had lost and constantly wondering if I would ever find that feeling again.

Then about a month and half ago I had an epiphany: The problem wasn’t her or what I had lost it was my attitude towards her, towards life. I was looking to cover up those feelings with alcohol and women and though it worked as a temporary heal, the wounds would always reopen when my muse was exhausted. Being an out of control borderline alcoholic sycophant has it perks, but the lifestyle is old and redundant. There’s more to life than aimlessly soul searching for something you already have.

So what have I learned on this journey of self-discovery and self-pity? I’ve learned that good friends are invaluable even when they are not there. I’ve learned that pain is temporary and its sole purpose is to remind us that we are still alive. I’ve learned that once you accept your mistakes for what they are you can move on. I’ve learned that negative emotions and thoughts are impossible to avoid but not impossible to overcome. I’ve learned that the girl I thought I loved didn’t love me. I’ve learned that I deserve more than a half committed relationship despite the mistakes I’ve made in my past. I’ve learned that some people find love sooner than others. I’ve learned that experience coupled with opportunity can present itself in ways you can’t see if you don’t have the right attitude.

I am currently in a two hour meeting. Please order one gun, one bullet and deliver it to my table, compliments of my employers. I'll be in the bathroom figuring out how best to self inflict a non-lethal wound with above ordered gun. Thank you

February in AZ is hard to beat. I will miss this the most when I leave, outside of the people, duh.



Also, there is a hopeful pro athlete packing heat at the pool. I'll miss AZs gun laws too.

I like being able to write my musings whenever I like, this is going to be good for this ol' blog. This blog can now be much more "real time", not in the Bill Maher way, but in the literal "this is what I am currently doing". I know people want to know what I am doing and thinking at all times because let's face it, who doesn't?

It saddens me that I have not done a better job of recording my life. I'm actually envious to see the rewards others have given themselves by keeping up with their writing. In some ways I think writing is so much more definitive a captured moment in time versus a photo. A photo only shows you what is happening at an exact moment without much context. When you write something it gives you insight to how your mind was working and what you were thinking at that point in time. I think this serves as better reinforcement than a photo. But hey, photos are pretty swell too.

Last night work was pretty good. Any day I walk out of there with more than $100 I count that as a pretty good night. It's funny because on all accounts I should loathe my job as a backserver, but I don't. I work with my ex's boyfriend, I get paid fairly poorly and work harder than most people there and yet I still have a smile every night for some reason I do not know. I do like the respect and recognition I get for doing my job well, but that's hardly my focus. I find my job easy thus it is easy to excel. I'm being moved up next week to a full fledged server which means I'll have to prove myself all over again but that shouldn't be too hard. Most servers don't have too much going for them and I'd like to consider myself the exception to the rule but then I have to rationalize that everyone probably thinks they are the exception to some rule.

I promised myself I would never go back to the world of serving but plans change. Years ago I was graduating college, had a steady job lined up and a steady girlfriend. Fast forward three years and I still have a steady job (x2) but everything else in my life seems upside down from where it was. In my case change isn't something bad, it's something I've always sought. On the cusp of change again, I have every intention of leaving Arizona come the end of October. All signs point to Colorado, but I think I'd be happy just about anywhere, provided it is not a city with no culture and hellish summers.

For now, AZ ain't bad. I'm just going to shift life into neutral for a few months and just enjoy the rest of my time here. Both my jobs are means to an end, an end I cannot wait to start. That is me being poetic and failing. This is picture is not me failing:


Just kidding. That dude totally fails. I shared a plane with him back to Phoenix. Ick.

I forgot how much fun having a modern computer is. I have been using an old frankensteined computer that I assembled from various other computers that were deemed obsolete for the last year or so and just forgot about the internet and computering and all the charm therein.

NO LONGER FRIENDS. I have been trusting my impulses/gut all year (not saying too much since it is only a month into 2010) and went out and bought myself a trusty laptop. It's about damn time I had something that I could actually use and accomplish the things that I wanted to. I look at my lack of invovement with technology over the last year as a relationship that is the direct result of me having a defunct computer. Now that I have something reliable I hope that I am taking more pictures, documenting the adventures I will be partaking in over the next few months and just generally getting more digital satisfaction as a whole.

This is just one goal in a big list for 2010 but I am making huge strides so far. The biggest one is moving to Denver towards the end of this year. As dumb as it sounds, havingthis laptop actually brings me a step closer, I think...

I have given up all my worries and preoccupations that plagued me in 2009. I've made peace with my actions and demons and am looking forward to the future. Everything seems brighter in life when you have a direction. I guess it helps when you think everything is grand. It's hard not to smile to myself when I think of all the good things in my life. Every choice I made has brought me to this point and for better or worse I can confidently stand behind all the choices I made. Time is a great ally. So are beautiful Brazilian women.

Departing 6:25 PM

Being able to write on the move is great. There's no better descriptor that I can really think of.

I'm on the plane headed back to Phoenix from Park City. It's sad to be leaving but good to be coming home. Sleeping in my own bed sans Tim is just one of the simple luxuries you can't really price. I always tend to be reflective on airplanes, usually because I am next to a stranger and if that stranger is not a cute girl, I seldom talk to that stranger. This flight, however, I find myself sitting next to two of my best friends, Alecia and Tim. We're all kind of doing our own thing right now; Alecia is playing solitaire and Tim is jamming to music. I am writing this. I guess when you've been friends as long as we have there is a certain tolerance for air in a conversation.

In a personal relationship I don't want there to be many pauses in conversation or have to think about what to say next. I've been fortunate enough in my life to have been involved with several girls where this was the case. For one various reason or another things eventually came to an end but each time I learned more about myself and what I am looking for. I used to feel the pressure of getting married and having kids and a mortgage and all the other adulty things that traditional western thought deems necessary. While I subscribe to this belief, I want it to be on my own timeline, not a predetermined one.

There are several different types of people in this world, but I like to generalize them into two different groups: those who are defined by relationships and those that are not. Certainly there is overlap and again I am generalizing but I find myself in the latter.

I guess it takes a certain amount of courage to be single, to try new things and not settle for something that may not be exactly what you are looking for. Now, granted I'm only 25, but I've experienced enough to know a little bit of what I speak. Even reading it over as i write this it doesn't make sense to me and I want to delete it and start over but if I'm writing it down it must be important.

I've often wondered about everything I've written, both digital and paper, and whether or not the things I erased meant something. I'm making a concerned effort to not erase what I write. The pro is that I will have a better record of my thoughts. The con is that I will have scattered, poorly organized writings. Oh well.

It's hard to say why I felt the urge to write just now. I think my line of thought was: friends are focused on electronics, should be too. Good opportunity to write, talk about writing. Remembered this was the only time in the history of my flights that I have had a hot flight attendant. I think about women a lot, I should write about relationships. I want to erase what I just wrote but won't. Defend why I won't erase what I just wrote. Explain thought process.

This should equal a successful entry, right? I think so. Plane is descending as I write this sentence. As much crap as I give Phoenix and my continual desire to leave; home is home and I'm glad to be back. Work, relationships, responsibilities, all of it is just about 80 miles away and 30,000 feet below me.

Location:Southwest flight 1608 to Phoenix

Bro boarding

Went riding in park city yesterday, managed to get my feet under me and also not destroy myself. Today, deer valley and skiing, I am not optimistic I will achieve the same results. More to come with pics, bro

Location:Park City, Utah

A torrid affair

A couple months back I made the ultimate sacrifice: I gave up my verizon contract and jumped ship to AT&T so I could have an iPhone. I sacrificed a wonderful network with great coverage for all the bells and whistles the iPhone offers. I equate it to cheating on your girlfriend with a really hot, attractive girl that you may not get another chance with. Yes, I'm shallow and a terrible person. I blame it on working at a chic restuarant in Scottsdale.

Seriously though, I can now blog from my iPhone!?! Everytime I think I am over my love affair with my iPhone, she finds a way to keep me coming back for more. I haven't treated her well in the past. I've had the misfortune of breaking the screen twice in about 6 months and both instances were remarkably similar. I was drunk to the point of blacking out at Casey Moores and being an ass.

One time I walked home in sandals roughly 3.7 miles at 2am and made it home to see my iPhone shattered when I woke up at 3pm. The other time I made out with an Irish chick and tried to lick a girls face; all on thanksgiving. I am the very essence of class.

I don't know if being able to blog from iPhone will be good or bad for her. I could see more breakage in her future, good thing I treat her like an abused wife who thinks she has done something to deserve all this suffering. I should name her...

Location:Aetna office

January 5th, 2010

I only made two New Year resolutions this year, which is exactly two more than I made last year. Judging by the way 2009 came and went, I probably should have made at least one: The year probably would have been less tumultuous for me had I bothered. Oh well, live and learn.

The first resolution I made, which I think will be exceedingly difficult, is to find the positive in any negative situation that happens to me in 2010. So, if I lose my job I suddenly have more free time to pursue other leisure activities. Should my car die, I now have an excuse to ride my bicycle more than I do (which is never because it has been at my friend Taryn’s house since March of 2009). I do not anticipate this being terribly hard right now, but over time, say July or something; I may just end up struggling to find a positive.

The second resolution would be to write more. Easy to say, easy to pen to paper, but actually quite hard to actually practice. I had a good streak going back in 2007-2008, but that eventually became like every other shuttered blog I have attempted to maintain that now litters the internet. Two things are going to be different this time. First, I am going to keep writing in the same blog. Second, I am going to will myself to write. Even if it is just a sentence or two, or maybe even a funny picture, anything that documents what I have been up or what I am thinking. I have discovered that I need an outlet, a way to communicate with anyone who will listen to all my gripes, quips and nonsense. Should I plan to avoid going insane in the distant future, I will need record of my musings. This may not prevent me from losing my mind, but it will give others a path to follow and understand should I eventually lose my grip on reality.

One of the unexpected benefits of constant writing is an enhancement in speaking ability. I do not mean rhetoric; I mean the simple of act of speaking better than I currently do. I have a bad habit, which is supremely disappointing to me, of swearing when I choose to relax with leisure substances (read alcohol). I am not against swearing, but I know I need to do a better job of utilizing speech that reflects my own intelligence and with focused purpose. Saying eff this and eff that is not effective communication. Using adjectives such as sick and awesome do not do moments justice, those words sour them.

Awesome is by and far my favorite word, but I may need to reduce its use in my vernacular. I would like to avoid trying to use overly complicated and flowery language masked with metaphors as well. I am not good at poetry; a fact I learned at about 4th grade. By that time I was acutely aware of my inability to string words together in rhythmic fashion. I could write poems that worked for the assignment that I was given and nothing more. I will never “wow” anyone with my sonnets. Sorry.

It’s not fair to just jump into my writing again as though I was never gone. I’ll update on my life today, so that when I do reflect on the year that has passed, characters and plotlines make sense. This isn’t a promise.

Location:The desk I spend 40 hours a week at, sigh