A little over a year ago I made a decision that impacted my whole life. I drunkenly broke up with the girl I thought I loved. After two years of a relationship that was better in theory than in practice, things were finally over. I didn’t want them to be after a few weeks of being alone and ran back to what was familiar but by then it was too late. The gravity of my decision began to sink in and for a very long time I think I was depressed. I didn’t know that I was depressed but I did act like I wasn’t; a state of denial really.
What really hurt was that the girl I used to be involved with ran right into the arms of someone she worked with. This happened within two months and whatever scar tissue had formed over my aching heart was cut anew: From there I sort of lost control of myself. On the outside I presented a calm and collected front, but on the inside I was raging. This hurricane eventually downgraded itself into a depression and from there a constant drizzle, but it was still there reminding me of what I had lost and constantly wondering if I would ever find that feeling again.
Then about a month and half ago I had an epiphany: The problem wasn’t her or what I had lost it was my attitude towards her, towards life. I was looking to cover up those feelings with alcohol and women and though it worked as a temporary heal, the wounds would always reopen when my muse was exhausted. Being an out of control borderline alcoholic sycophant has it perks, but the lifestyle is old and redundant. There’s more to life than aimlessly soul searching for something you already have.
So what have I learned on this journey of self-discovery and self-pity? I’ve learned that good friends are invaluable even when they are not there. I’ve learned that pain is temporary and its sole purpose is to remind us that we are still alive. I’ve learned that once you accept your mistakes for what they are you can move on. I’ve learned that negative emotions and thoughts are impossible to avoid but not impossible to overcome. I’ve learned that the girl I thought I loved didn’t love me. I’ve learned that I deserve more than a half committed relationship despite the mistakes I’ve made in my past. I’ve learned that some people find love sooner than others. I’ve learned that experience coupled with opportunity can present itself in ways you can’t see if you don’t have the right attitude.